Chasing Life

During dinner last night with a friend, we talked about things. About life. About how things are going on in life.

I realized that lately, I've always being grumpy, complained a lot and always dissatisfied about everything. And I get frustrated at myself, too, for looking at things in a negative way too often. It is tiring, really, to worry about things that are not even happening yet. But as a normal homo sapient, fearing the future is something inevitable, yet we have to face it someday.

We used to be a teenager, free spirited and energetic. We do what we like, we rebel, and we think it's cool that way. I used to be that kind of teenager too, and I think I still haven't really get over that golden period, where everything is just spontaneous and exciting. As a result, my thinking and mindset is still that very 'teenager' mindset, and it started to clash with the reality of today.

For me, "Do things that you love, Love things that you do" is very important in life. What I've always have in mind is, "Life is too short to be wasted." I was impressed with my own parents, and other adults too, who have the drive and willingness to wake up every morning, get up, go to work and repeat the same thing everyday over and over again for 20 years. At the same time, what's going on in my mind is, "Why should I?"

I do not wish to spend precious half of my lifespan doing repetitive things. Of course, my job now doesn't show that it's going to be that repetitive; there will be lots of challenge here and there, or maybe too often of a challenge and tense moment. Quoting my SM, "I've been with this company for too long already, 20 years. I found that challenges are what make me want to stay in it for such a long time; I like the challenge of my work, as I think I can move forward and feel the adrenaline rush from it."

At the same time, it also doesn't mean that everybody should be like him. If you don't enjoy challenge, if you don't like to be challenged, there's nothing wrong with that. Not everybody is born with that kind of eagerness; some people just like to have a quiet, modest comfortable life. If that's enough for them, that's fine too. "Everybody is not the same; you don't have to envy other people, because you have something they don't, and not everybody can do the same thing. Be happy with what you have, treat it as a gift from God," said my SM.

As an idealistic person, I've always want a simple yet interesting life. I want to travel around the world; India, Barcelona, Vietnam, Indonesia, Turki. I want to see people; I want to see their culture, I want to see the world - I want to see life. This is my definition of life. To learn as much as you can; of reality of the world -  of it's pain, sorrow & hope. To see the cruelty, poverty, warmness and kindness of people. To open my eyes of how big the world is, how much bigger is the Power and Benevolence of Almighty God. To make me repent, and be thankful for all the bliss in life. To interact directly with people, children, educate them, help them and myself to be a better person, for a brighter future. To open our mind, to purify our soul and set us free from dunya and grab the akhirah.

I'm used already of receiving negative feedback on my idea of 'ideal life'. Snorts, skeptical and cynical; I heard that hundreds of time already. "So what, you want to do charity works for the rest of your life?" "It sounds like typical Malay woman to me; easy life, no hard work", "You want to travel around the world, but if you don't have the money, how can you travel?" "You're not ambitious at all!"

Childish as I am, one night I realized that for all this while, I think I've been looking at the big picture already, while actually, it is still just a tiny bit of it, really. I was having a dinner with a couple of friends, and one of them said something like, "We are now working on the new potential oil reservoir along Peninsular coast. If we succeed in this, if we found it and make millions worth of profit from it, I know that that day I can sit back and smile, as I had contributed so much for Malaysia." And I was dumbstruck by that. While the other said, "Our work is important. What we do everyday is important. No matter how small is our job, we are part of it, and this is what made up a company. Know that what we do is important, for the sake of our country. Because without this company, who else will feed Malaysia? Who else will take care the welfare of our country?"

I already know this; I understand it perfectly. But hearing them say it right in front of my face, straight to my ears, it struck me hard. I realized, then, that for all this while, I've been knowing this fact but never really apply it in my life. This thought is not part of my veins; it is there in my brain but never reflect in my daily life. I realized then, how immature am I, how unfair am I in treating my own carrier. I used to think that my life would be wasted by forcing myself to do the same routine everyday. But they made me realized that it is not wasted. It is not wasted after all, really.

I am not stubborn as trying to defend myself. In fact, I don't have anything to defend of, really.  I acknowledged their virtue; in fact, I totally admired that and they absolutely earn my respect. However from my point of view, I see 'contribution' in a more 'direct' way. For example, a teacher to a student. A mother to her child. A motivator to his audience. An ulama' to the ummah. I favor education and educating as the way of contributing. I strongly believe that to shape the mindset, to encourage curiosity, culture of learning - are what the most important now. I understand that working in such 'pillar' company also means encouraging education, as our profit is the source of better facilities, better manpower (maybe), and leads to better system (hopefully) in overall. But I wish to involve in direct contribution rather than indirect; I want to be part of education itself rather than to finance the education system.

Hence, striving to do what we want to do, what we like to do, is not entirely selfish. To say that I am selfish, for not seeing things in broader view, to think only about my own enjoyment in life, is unfair. Put aside any patriotic insight, everybody is selfish anyway. "No matter what you do, think about yourself first, then everybody else," said my SM. "Don't try to please others; the most important thing is, you do what you want to do; this is your life after all."

It is unfair to say one is selfish if what one is thinking is one's own happiness. "I don't care about carrier, status; I just want to be happy," quoting a friend of mine. Is that selfish? It is our own right to determine what is best for us, hence to say one's decision as selfish, is selfish. We have our own right to do what we want to do, how to live our life. In fact, to just be happy, is not too bad too. When we are happy, we are spreading positive vibes to our surrounding, creating healthy atmosphere.

"It's not that we don't want to do it, we are just not fully understand it, or not ready yet to accept the reality," said my dinner-mate, "because if we really understand the concept of 'sacrificing for our country', we will not complain in the first place."

I agree on that too. Not being able to contribute in a way that I favor, does not give me the right to make excuses and complain about this and that. To contribute is to contribute; if you truly love your country, your people, no matter what you do, in what way you're contributing, you'll do it with all your heart.

Some key things I would like to point:

1) Do what you want to do while contributing to the the world. No matter how small it is, you're part of it. If you can't channel you contribution in the way that you like it to be, don't stop. Do what you can within your power, as your situation permits it and make the most of it. By God will, who knows in the end you will get what you want in life.

2) Live your life as what you want it to be. If situation is not on your side, make some effort, make yourself heard, and work for it. But at the same time, do not ignore you current responsibilities, be it personal or professional.

3) People are different. Be grateful of what we have, don't try to be others but improve ourselves. Bring the best out of ourselves and optimize it. Do not judge people, as we are walking our own journey; we have no idea what others journey is like. Appreciate people, as everyone is special.

4) It is important to be contented in life. Don't take life for granted. We never know whether we'll wake up tomorrow. In conclusion, I want to earn money while doing works that I like while contributing to the people at the same time. Fair enough? =P

Peace y'all.

Notes:
1. I'm thanking God for all things in life; good or bad, as all of them are the best for all of us.
2. I'm thanking my SM for his words of wisdom. Thank you sir.
3. I'm thanking my friends for their insight. God bless.