Lagi dan Lagi

*me rambling to myself again. don't bother to read. unless you have nothing else to do other than stalking my blog. haha*

i have some things and issues to discuss, but don't really have the time to write them down. owh bukan, it's not that i have no time. i have plenty of time actually. that's just how students are. they act like they are the busiest human beings in the world and yet still have the time to eat popcorn, watching youtube. i am one of them. but i'm really quite busy tho, nowadays, since i am in my final year now. but i will openly admit, that it is just me who is too lazy to do stuff. but one thing for sure, when i want to discuss about something 'serious', i will put a lot of thoughts, and actually, do some research about it, before i finally come to my own point of view. so my point is, i rather not to write at all than writing a piece of shit. except these kind of rambles. it is 'ramble' anyway, what do you expect?

i've rambled and babbled about this before. in one of my post, Antara Mahu dan Harus. about how i don't really have the opportunity, chance, or whatever, to do what i really want to do. but now i would like to pour my heart out about this again.

i've found this one person, that i admire so much. i'm practically stalking her, read all her blog entries (yes i can be that creepy), add her to my fb and obsessingly play her songs again and again in my iTunes.

she's a lecturer. she's a singer. she's also a poetess. nak perfek macam mana lagi?

but she's the same like me. in one aspect. she wants to study Bahasa Melayu literature in Bandung, while her parents want her to study English literature in England.

i dont know what is her final decision tho.

but i still think that she's lucky. i mean, be a singer, and study literature. it's not that i want to be a singer or majoring in literature tho. my point is, there are people out there who can actually be the person that they wanna be.

i actually fell into a deep thought about this. few weeks ago, i even came to a point where i felt like giving up all that i've done so far, escape to somewhere far and do things that i like the most.

i want to repeat this again. i dont hate engineering. you know when people said something like 'you're not a complete person until you found your true love, who is your other half', something like that. engineering 'is' my other half. i can be as geeky as those guys in Big Bang Theory. i went to Gorebay last week, and while soothing my eyes with the beauty of blue sky and sea, i talked about wavelength, frequency, air pressure and stuff.

but the things that i really wanna do; they are my soul.

my life.

ahh. well, thank God i'm still sensible enough to put 'responsibility' as my topmost priority. i think about responsibilities above all matters. responsibility to my sponsor, my parents, my family, myself, and my Lord.

thank God as I am fated to be a person with such tremendous patience. yes, i think i had been patient before, and i will be patient in the future, i'll be patient throughout my life.

"sometimes what you like the most is not the best for you, and sometimes what you hate the most is the best for you."

God knows it better than me. i'm thankful for what and where i've been now, really.

Thank You.

lately, my patience had been tested again. even today, right now. i've been patient for years, and now i think i am that close to a point of bursting out. i'm on the verge of being unreasonable and regretting it later. i prayed hard to God to not letting it happens. being ridiculous, unreasonable and unlogical are the least things that i wanna do in my life. and i'm not blaming my situation on anyone. it is my fault, my very own fault. it is my weakness to be such a good masquearader.

i blame myself for not letting my four walls to fall.

but as i said before, i'm a person with such tremendous patience. so, yeah, i'll make use of them shamelessly.

wallahualam.

p/s: besides Oh! Chentaku the series, i promised to myself, no more 'ah. girls. there she goes talking about feelings again' after this. at least, not in 6 months ahead. haha.